Raindrops — Part Eight

Ash's voice. Oh my God.

"Jasmine? Jasmine, are you there?"

I tried to steady my nerves. "Yes, I'm here."

"Hey, I've been trying to call you for ages, Jasmine, weeks. Where were you?" He sounded like he actually cared.

I wasn't sure if I could even trust my ears. After all, it wouldn't be the first time I was imagining things.

"I... I've been away," I stuttered.

"I was wondering if we could talk," he continued. "Would you like to come over?"

"What?" I gasped. "You mean now?"

"Yeah, now, if you want. Or tomorrow, or just whenever you have time."

I was sure I would wake up any minute; I pinched my arm. "I'll be over in about half an hour then," I said faintly.

"All right, so. I'll see you then, Jasmine. Bye for now."

I replaced the receiver. I pinched my arm again a couple of times.

"Hmmmm..."

No, no, he really did call me. Crumbs, he asked me to go and see him! Me! To see him! I best get a move on then.

I spent ages (by my standards, i.e two minutes) choosing what to wear and how to do up my hair. I'd never even made this much effort when we were a couple.

"Skirt or jeans?" I mused.

In the end I decided I'd wear the same thing I wore the day he confessed his love to me. Nothing too scary — and maybe it would trigger a few memories.

And give him the chance to eye up my legs if he wanted.

I considered whether I should wear the bracelet he gave me the day he sort-of proposed to me. In the end, I decided not to. I didn't want to risk him asking for it back. I knew it was selfish of me as it was his family heirloom, but I wasn't ready to let go of it, not just yet.

I quickly did my hair and make up and set out for Ash's.

I stood outside his front door for a little while, trying to compose myself. I hadn't seen him for ages, months. I felt so nervous and excited.

Ash! My baby! And he was waiting for me!

Calm down calm down!

I rang the doorbell.

"Howya, Jasmine, come in," he said. I froze and my initial euphoria wore off. He was still in the wheelchair.

"I thought you'd be out of that by now," I murmured.

"I am," he smiled. "Don't look so worried, Jasmine! I can get about with the crutches okay, but I tripped and did me ankle in last week and I had a gruelling session of physio this morning. My legs are fair banjaxed, so I'm just taking it easy today."

"Ah..." I looked at his clothes. Back to his old style. His hair was different. I didn't like that.

"How are you?" I asked his knee.

"Not bad, and yourself?"

"Umm, okay," I told his foot.

"Will we go and sit down? Would you like a cup of tea?"

"Oh no, I'm fine. Do you need me push your chair for you?" I asked, reaching out for the handles. Ash gently shooed me away.

"Jasmine, how d'ye think I've been getting around this long time?" he laughed, wheeling himself to the settee. "Come, sit yourself down." I swallowed, feeling foolish.

"Jasmine, can I ask you something?" he said. "Is Melissa okay? She's not ill or anything?"

"No."

"Just my card statement's come through and there's stuff on it, I thought maybe she or Tony were ill?"

"If you mean the wellness centre, it was just a few things for... stress. You know," I said. Damned if he knew exactly whose stress. "Why didn't you just ask her yourself?"

"She won't take my calls."

"Oh."

I wanted to cry.

"Would you tell her to give me a call when you see her?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure." That was all. That was all he wanted. Just for me to pass a message on to Melissa. My heart felt heavy. Don't cry now, Jasmine. There's plenty of time for crying when you get home.

"Well, if that's all —" I said, getting up.

"No, Jasmine, there's something else..."

His voice was drowned out by the sudden thought of her. Oh my good God. How could I have forgotten?! She was probably here now, lurking upstairs, waiting for me to go, smirking at how pathetic I was.

I wanted to get out the house. They'd probably been getting reacquainted on this very settee, I thought, starting to panic. I felt my face go hot. Dammit, it wasn't fair! He wouldn't even let me get acquainted with him because we weren't married. But Tina — obviously Tina was worth breaking the rules for. I found myself trembling.

"Is she here?" I hissed.

"Who? Tina?" He looked at me confusedly. "Noooooo. She doesn't live here anymore. She hasn't been here for some time, Jasmine."

"But will she be moving back in once you're married?" I couldn't stop myself. I should have saved my remaining ounce of dignity and left, but I couldn't help myself.

"Married?!" He looked puzzled. "Jasmine, I just told you, she's gone. We're not together. I'm certainly not marrying her." He looked genuinely confused.

I didn't get it. He wasn't with her, so why did she tell me they were remarrying?

"So you're definitely not together?" I asked faintly. My head was swimming. Maybe this was all just one big dream. Maybe I didn't even know the difference between fantasy and reality any more.

"I just told you we're not," he said patiently. He couldn't understand why I didn't believe him.

"But — but don't you love her anymore?" I asked, almost hysterical. Why was I even asking this? Looks like I've replaced one form of self-harm with another, I thought wryly.

He looked at me sadly, then held his head in his hands and sighed. "Oh, Jasmine, I don't know."

That means you still love her.

I waited for him to continue. He just looked at me sadly again. And this time I met his gaze and I could feel his pain. It didn't matter about me or Tina or anything, I realised. Ash was hurting and he shouldn't be. Now I was here, I could make the pain go away. I could take care of him and make him feel loved and safe again, like he deserved.

He gave a half-hearted laugh. "I've been going to that hypnotist yoke Melissa signed me up for, and do you know, it's not bad. I'm sleeping better now." He stopped and looked at the floor. He was quiet a while. Then he started fidgeting with his watch; I recognised that. He was summoning the courage to tell me something. I waited for him.

His voice went quiet. "A few weeks ago I remembered the day she walked out on us."

"Oh."

"Jasmine, she didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face. I'd just got back from dropping Melissa off at school, and she'd left a note. That was all. Just a note on the table."

"Ash..."

"I didn't believe it at first. I thought, maybe she's been abducted or something, that this is some sort of cover story. So I took it to my brother Francis and asked him should we call the gardaí. And do you know what, Jasmine? He knew already. They all knew," he sobbed. "Everyone knew, and no one warned us."

I'd never seen Ash cry before. Every fibre of my being longed to reach out to him, hold him tight, carry his pain for him. I can make it all better, I wanted to tell him. I can take the sorrow away if you'll just let me. I stopped myself and took a deep breath. I can't fix everything, I told myself. He's safe right now and I can help by just being here and listening. I don't need to rescue him.

"Telling Melissa was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in all my life," he went on. "I'll never forget the look on her face. How could anyone do that to her? She was such a sweet, innocent thing." He was crying so much now. I'd never seen him so upset before. I started to reach out to touch his hand, but I checked myself. I didn't know what his boundaries were and I had to let him feel what he needed to feel. This was about him, not me. I handed him the tissue box instead.

He stopped crying and wiped his eyes. "I wanted to believe she was still the sweet lass I fell in love with," he said quietly, "but she doesn't really love me, she—" He stopped abruptly. There was something else, but he wasn't telling me — yet.

"Hey," I said, after a few moments of silence. "You said there was something else you wanted to tell me?"

"Yes..." he said. "So I've been seeing a counsellor these last few months. Grand lad, he is. Max is his name." I waited for him to go on. He was doing the fidgeting thing again. He looked at his feet. "After I remembered Tina leaving, I started remembering other stuff. I can remember a few things about you."

"Oh."

"I need to tell you first that just because I can remember feeling a certain way, it doesn't mean I still do. I'm still working through things. I have two realities and timelines that I'm trying to combine into one," he said. He sounded like he was reading from a script. "I really don't know where my head is at the moment."

"That's really good news, though," I smiled. "What can you remember? Do you remember moving here? Getting the teaching job? Tony and Melissa's wedding?"

Ash laughed. "With those photos staring at me every day, you'd think I would, but not yet. Most of the things I remember are patchy, sometimes it's just a feeling, or a fleeting glimpse." He started fidgeting again. "There's one thing about you, I'm not sure if it's a memory of a real thing or... uh..." His cheeks flushed.

"What is it, Ash?" I asked.

He was blushing furiously and fidgeting with his watch again. "Ah, no, I can't say," he said.

"Oh, come on. You can't leave me hanging like that. What do you remember?" It was probably something embarrassing, like that time I tripped over his exercise machine, or one of the many times I threw a tantrum over my colleagues' sloppy coding.

His voice went quiet, and his face got even redder. "Did I... Did I ever call you a dirty wagon?" he almost whispered.

I burst out laughing. "Yes! Yes, you did! The dungarees incident."

Ash's face lit up. "Oh, so it did happen," he sniggered.

"No way! Don't tell me that was the first memory of me to come back!"

He smiled, still blushing. "I was after taking the camera down to the garage to take some photos of the car for the listing — no, no, don't worry, I didn't sell it in the end — and suddenly this memory came to me in a flash."

"Crumbs!" I laughed.

Ash appeared to be concentrating. "You phoned me, didn't you? You asked me to come straight to the garage after work to help you with something?" I nodded. He was remembering! He chuckled. "And there you were on the top of the car in my shabbiest dungarees and not a thread more. And the look you gave me, ye cheeky yoke! It was that look on your face that did for me!"

Whatever I was expecting from this chat, it wasn't this. I hadn't laughed like this in ages. "Oh, I got you good, Ash! You were so easy to wind up!" I laughed again at the memory, a good hearty belly laugh. "Oh, God. You just stood there stunned for a moment. Then you looked me in the eye, deadpan, and just said, 'You dirty wagon.'" I wiped my eyes.

"You were though," Ash laughed. "You're such a little minx." He smiled at me warmly. "Y'know, it's weird how some random thing will trigger a memory," Ash said. "It can be overwhelming at times, and scary, because the memories aren't always good ones. But I'll remember something and then something else will slot into place. I'm learning who I am again."

I smiled at him. "I'm really happy for you, Ash. This is great news."

The nervous fidgeting intensified. He looked at me hopefully. "Jasmine, do you think we can be friends again?" He asked.

I froze. I hadn't got as far as thinking about our future. Until this evening, I had just come to terms with the fact that I'd never see him again. My head started swimming. When I'd arrived, I was giddy with excitement at seeing Ash again. And while reminiscing over the dungarees, things felt normal, like old times.

And now, having him back in my life was really on the table, and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. I'd been here less than an hour and already been through the gamut of emotions and had noticed myself slipping into codependent behaviour once again. I felt so confused. I didn't know what to say. I wanted him to hold me tight, then suddenly I wanted to get far away from him. I started feeling panicky. I heard Emma's voice in my head: Five things you can see, four things you can feel...

"I — I need to think about it," I stammered, getting up. I took a few steps to the door, then turned towards Ash. "I'm sorry, Ash. You haven't done anything wrong. I just need some space. I'll let Melissa know you're waiting for her."

Ash looked at me, probably thinking what a fruit loop I am. He nodded. "All right. Take care, so. Thank you for meeting me tonight," he said softly.

I nodded, then took my leave.

I should have gone to sleep happy that night, but instead I cried over the thought of Ash, all by himself, falling over and hurting his ankle.

I woke at six the next morning and realised that I'd completely forgotten to tell Melissa about Ash. I dialled her number. "Melissa—" I started. I didn't even get a word in edgeways.

"Jasmine, is everything all right? I'll get Tony to drive us over. Just sit tight, we're on our way."

"Melissa, can you be quiet and listen! I saw Ash last night."

Melissa made a weird choking noise and at first I thought it was relief. Then I realised she probably thought I'd hallucinated him again. "I mean for real. He phoned me. He asked me to come over. I saw him."

Melissa paused. "Really?"

I was starting to get frustrated. Were they going to second guess everything I said now? "Yes. Really. I wasn't high. He's not with Tina, he isn't marrying her at all. He's all alone and he wants to see you."

"For real, Jasmine?"

"Yes, Melissa, for freaking real. I wouldn't lie about this. Go see him, he misses you."

"All right, so. Will you be coming over too?"

"No. Not yet. I'll see you later."

"All right." Then softly, "Thank you, Jasmine."

I had a quick shower then made myself some cereal. I sat and thought. So much had happened last night and I hadn't processed it yet. The last time I'd seen Ash, he'd had no idea who I was and I hadn't known who he was anymore either. It was awkward and painful, but it was consistent. He was a stranger with no memory of me and that was that. But last night, he'd known me. The banter over the dungarees incident — for a moment, it was like old times. The six months of anguish and longing had been forgotten. But we weren't a couple anymore and Tina was in his orbit again and nothing made much sense anymore.

And now he wanted to be back in my life.

My cereal got soggy as I sat there and tried to make sense of it. I tried to write my thoughts down, but my brain was foggy. I'd played this scenario out in my mind so many times since the accident. The hallucination was a manifestation of that — he would come back for me, declare his love, we'd go back to being happy together again. I'd feel loved and safe. But now I wasn't sure I wanted that. I wasn't sure if Ash even made me feel safe anymore.

I dug out one of the framed photos of Ash that Saffron had put away. I looked at him. He didn't feel real. The fogginess increased. I recognised it now as a sign I was dissociating. I walked to the freezer, dug around for an ice cube, held it against my forehead. Today is... today is... I looked at the calendar. It was Sunday. And half term, too, I remembered. That meant Saffron was home. I picked up the phone.

I think Saffron was even more stunned than I was when I told her what had happened. "I'll be right over, doll," she said. She stayed with me the rest of the day. I didn't really want to talk about Ash or even think about him. I decided to save that for when I next spoke to Emma. Instead, Saffron and I just did each other's hair and watched low-budget horrors together.

On Monday, Saffron took me to the police station to make a complaint about Tina. They took one look at the card and said that doesn't constitute harassment. Saffron was furious. She told them it was more than that card and had been spanning months and can't they at least warn Tina off?

Saffron couldn't threaten to break a cop's fingers, but she got as close as she could to it without risking arrest. An officer said she'd have a word with Tina, but leaving a get-well card wasn't exactly harassment. Saffron grabbed my hand and stormed out.

Melissa kept asking me to come over to Ash's with her, but I said no. My next session with Emma wasn't till Thursday and I wanted to talk to her first.

On Friday, I finally went to talk to Ash. I brought Saffron with me as moral support. Self-awareness was one thing, but I couldn't trust myself just yet not to give in to the codependent urges.

"Howya, Jasmine," Ash smiled at me as I came in. He noticed Saffron behind me. "Oh, hello. It's Saffron, isn't it? Come in, take a seat. Would youse like some tea? Water?"

"Oh, I'd love a cold glass of water, thank you, Ash," Saffron smiled. I gave her a look. Why was she making Ash go to the trouble of getting her water when he still needed a crutch to get around? She frowned back at me and shook her head, holding my arm.

Ash hobbled back from the kitchen with the glass of water and she thanked him and sat down in what Ash used to call his sun room. I went over to settee nearest the door. Ash took a seat on the other one, keeping a respectful distance. "Are ye sure you don't want a drink, Jasmine? No? All right, so. It's nice to see you again. Are you doing well?"

"I hope you don't mind me bringing Saffron," I said nervously.

"Not at all."

Now it was my turn to fidget nervously. "You've probably been wondering why I haven't come to see you in nearly a week," I started.

"I seemed to scare you last time," Ash said softly.

I shook my head. "It wasn't — well — maybe you kind of did. I want to be honest with you."

Ash looked at me and nodded. I reminded myself to stick to the facts, not trauma dump. I took a breath. "Ash, I haven't been doing well. I didn't deal well with losing you. And then a couple of weeks after Tina moved in with you, she started to harass me. Then she told me you two were getting married again. It put me in a bad way. I hurt myself badly enough to end up in hospital." I paused, giving Ash time to process and me time to ground myself. "I have a therapist and a social worker and my friends are checking up on me. I'm doing better now. None of this was your fault, Ash. My issues stem from long before I ever met you."

Ash was silent. I continued. "I'm telling you this, because I need you to know where I'm at. And why it's hard for me to see you. I had to bring Saffy, because I was scared I'd go into saviour mode again and try to rescue you from every bit of pain. I still have a long way to go in my recovery, and I know you've got a lot of things to work through, too."

Ash nodded again. I couldn't read his expression. He picked up a pen from the coffee table and started fidgeting. Had I upset him? I had to remind myself it was okay to put my needs first. I wouldn't rush into a friendship I wasn't ready for just to make him feel better.

"If you still want to be friends, I had an idea we could try," I said. Ash looked up. "You remember when I — well, maybe you don't. But after I finally got out of my social slump last year, Tony and Jack bought me a GameCube. And I used to invite the gang over on Saturdays to play. You really enjoyed it. In fact, the first time I saw you really worked up about something was when it was me versus Melissa in the Smash Bros tournament final. You couldn't decide who to root for. Does that bring back any memories?"

Ash frowned and shook his head. "It sounds like I had a lot of fun, though."

I smiled. "You did. The game days sort of dropped off when it got hotter, everyone wanted to go out instead. But it got you and Jack to become friends. Although I still don't know what you two bonded over," I smiled. "It was nice to see you let loose a bit. So would you like to try it out one evening, see how it goes?"

Ash thought about it a bit, then nodded. "Yeah, I think so. I can't remember the last time I played a video game, though. You'll have to go easy on me."

"Me go easy on you? Ha! I should cocoa."

Ash looked shocked, then smiled. "I should probably get going," I said. "I'm back at work now. Debugging hell awaits, yay me. I'll call around and find out when everyone's free."

"Jack Faerie said to tell you he misses you, Ash!" Saffron called out from the sun room.

"Jack Faerie... Jack Faerie..." Ash frowned. "He's the painter up the road, isn't he? The mad yoke?"

"That's the one. But not as mad as Francis was when Finn McCool stole his colleen's drink," I grinned. Ash just looked thoughtfully at me as Saffron and I said our goodbyes and headed out.

"Well, that wasn't so scary, was it?" Saffron smiled. "You were worried about meeting him, but you did it. You even made a joke. At least I think it was meant to be a joke. I didn't get it. How do you feel now?"

I gripped Saffron's hand. "Actually, I think I'm okay."

I arranged the game nights for Wednesdays from six to eight o'clock. That meant I could debrief with Emma on Thursdays.

The whole gang came over for the first session. Melissa had insisted on upgrading to a Wii when Ash told her about my suggestion.

"These controllers are easier for an old man like you, Da," she said. "I hear they use these in the old folks' homes to get the wrinklies moving."

"Ya lil pup."

You wouldn't have known that Ash had very few memories of Jack from the way Jack acted. He went right to being matey with Ash, like nothing had happened. Nothing seemed to faze that guy. Well, except that time he blamed himself for my crisis. And even then, once I had the energy to explain to him that he actually saved my life, he went right back to being fine. One day, I was going to ask him how he did it.

Me, I found it a lot harder. I was glad we had the buffer of the others and the game to focus on. That definitely stopped it being super awkward. When Ash took a seat, I found myself sitting on the seat furthest away from him. He would glance towards me now and then and I would avoid eye contact. I felt so uncertain.

Jack complained he was starving and insisted on ordering pizza for all of us at half seven. I wanted to remind him about Ash's dairy allergy, but he already knew.

Ash was quieter during this session than he used to be, but then he was having to get to know Saffron and Jack all over again. He wasn't even competitive like he used to be. I suppose he was just trying to take everything in. It was the first time he'd been in my house since the accident. The last time he was on my sofa, we'd been kissing. I didn't let myself think about it.

I hoped Ash wasn't planning on staying afterwards to cook for me like he used to. I breathed a sigh of relief when Melissa and Tony drove him home at the end of it. I thanked everyone for coming. I didn't give Ash a special goodbye.

Saffron stayed behind a bit. "I don't want to talk about it," I said. Saffron nodded and pulled out two big bars of chocolate from her bag and a couple of low-budget horror DVDs.

"I heard these are really bad, Jaz. I'm gonna need your therapist's number after this."

Emma said it was normal for it to be awkward at the beginning. Things were still uncertain and I didn't need to solve everything in one go. She said I should be proud of myself for being able to maintain my boundaries and speak honestly without slipping into the damsel in distress role. Ash and the others were up for another session next week. I thought I'd be happy, but I felt strangely numb.

Jack must have been hanging around with Ash since the last Wednesday, because at the next session, he and Ash had gone back to being pally again. Jack said something to Ash and he smiled broadly. I wondered what they'd bonded over. Even the first time around, they were all mysterious about it.

"It's a man thing, Jasmine; you wouldn't understand."

I'd rolled my eyes back then, but this time I felt something different. Was it jealousy?

Ash had brought a carrom board. "I'd got it for your birthday last year, Jasmine," he smiled at me. "I only remembered about it recently, so I brought it over as a very late birthday present. I thought maybe we could all try it out today instead of the video games?"

I thought of making a joke about Indian birthday customs, like the way he tricked me about Irish customs. But then I didn't want to anymore. "Thanks, Ash. I haven't played this since I was a kid," I said, trying to sound grateful. My brother had been good at carrom. Ash looked at me, but I avoided his gaze.

When Dad heard that I had a carrom board, he asked if he could come over for the next session. My first instinct was that it was a bad idea, given how he and Ash clashed. But then I realised, maybe that wouldn't be so bad. Maybe having Dad there would get Ash to back off.

"Sure, Dad. Just don't complain about the noise, okay?"

Why did I want Ash to back off?

So Dad turned up in his best shirt. Jack gave him a high five. Tony and Melissa asked how he was. Then Dad turned to Ash.

"Good evening, Mr Milton."

"Good evening, Mr Elemita."

"Jasmine's been teaching you her house rules for carrom, hasn't she?" Dad said. "I'm going to show you official rules. Jasmine never wins when we play official rules."

I couldn't understand it. Dad was being respectful to Ash. This must be a ploy, I thought. He was just lowering Ash's defences before he laid into him. Well, I was there to put a stop to it if he did.

But he carried on being nice. "I was only a toddler when my parents moved us here from India," Dad said to Ash as we played. "It's tough being an immigrant, isn't it? Especially in a little village like this. There were quite a few other Indian families in Leicester back then, so we had a community. But even though I grew up in England, the locals would still see me as 'other.' There were always things that set us apart. My white friends asked why we kept the plastic on the good settee," Dad said. Ash got excited.

"We do that in Ireland, too!" He clapped, laughing. "You have to keep the plastic on the settee in the front room. You have to keep it nice for when the priest comes for tea."

"Yes! Tea — you always have to offer anyone who visits tea," Dad said, as Ash nodded enthusiastically. "Even if they don't want it. Indian mothers think everyone is starving and needs to be fattened up. And you have to put plastic wrap on the remote controls," Dad laughed.

"That's a good one, though. Those things get fierce filthy," Ash shook his head.

"Yes, people don't wipe down their remotes as often as they should," Dad sighed. "And the young 'uns don't offer tea like their parents taught them anymore." Everyone looked at me.

"Would you guys like some tea?" I asked awkwardly. Everyone laughed.

But as the weeks went on, I felt so confused, I didn't know how I felt anymore. Six months ago, I would have killed for this opportunity. Now I felt like I was just going through the motions. Ash would keep looking over at me, smiling shyly, uncertainly, and I'd just look away. I knew I was hurting him. Some twisted part of me even wanted to hurt him. And then I'd feel ashamed. None of this was his fault. I didn't want to be friends with him anymore and yet I still wanted to be around him. I spoke to Emma about it, but I left feeling just as confused as ever.

"I couldn't hack it, Jasmine," she sighed. "To be honest, I wasn't doing all that well to start with. And I fell behind badly when Da was ill and I never caught up. If you want the truth, I didn't much enjoy studying Pharmacy. I just did it because the careers advisor recommended it. I shoulda taken a gap year to work out what I wanted to do, but there ye go. I was thinking of enrolling at the college in September, doing something I really wanna learn, you know? I think I'd like to train as a counsellor, maybe do a therapeutic massage course, too."

"Well, bully for you, Melissa! But you're not going to use me for practice," I laughed. "Except the massage, I'm always up for a good massage."

"Ah, get away with yerself. So how are you doing, anyway? How are things with you and Da?" she smiled, then frowned. "I noticed you hardly speak to him on the Wednesdays."

I sighed. "It's all still so confusing. I can remember being in love with him, but now I'm not sure I am anymore. I don't really feel anything."

Melissa cried out, as if she'd just been hit. "You don't mean that? You were so in love with my Da, I don't get it."

I shrugged. "Things have changed. I've changed."

"But going from 'I can't live without him' to 'Whatever' is a big leap."

"I know, I know. I'm just kind of lost right now, that's all."

"You know Da didn't choose for any of this to happen, sure you do? You know he didn't set out to hurt you?"

"I know, Melissa. I just need to figure things out."

Melissa nodded. "It's kinda like that for Da," Melissa said. "He's trying to work out all these conflicting thoughts. He likes hanging out with us all, then he feels he's betraying her by wanting to hang out with you, as if it's a zero sum game. Like, he feels like he's picking his own happiness and safety over her life and if she ends up dying, it's his fault for not being there for her. As if he could stop her doing anything."

"Dying?" I said abruptly. "Who said Tina is going to die?"

"Because —" she stopped. "But didn't anyone tell you? Surely you must know? You've seen her. You've met her neighbour."

"Know what?"

"She's an alco, Jasmine. Has been for years. Did he not tell you? Could you not tell?"

I knew there was something he was hiding. Now it made sense. "But, but —" I stammered. "But if she's an alcoholic, surely she needs help? People don't become addicts for fun."

Melissa's eyes were wet. "If she's suffering, it serves her right."

And then I understood. Melissa only hated Tina because she still loved her.

"But don't you see?" I cried. "Don't you see, Melissa? That could have been me, I could have ended up like that. Only I have you guys to look out for me. She doesn't have anyone. Shouldn't we help her?"

She looked at me suspiciously. "I don't know why you keep taking her side," she said. "But in any case, I don't think you understand. Unless she admits she has a problem and decides to stop, there's nothing anyone can do. Why do you think it's hurting my da so much? Because he knows he's powerless over her and her drink. Forget about her, Jasmine, you can't help her. And after what she did to him, he'd be mad to ever try helping her again!"