This chapter's come out kinda dark and more depressing than previous ones. It's certainly NOT suitable for younger readers. BIG TRIGGER WARNING. Graphic scenes. Please skip ahead to Part Six if you are sensitive.
— Silver

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cos I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
— John Rzeznik, Iris

All this time... no wonder she seemed familiar, no wonder I thought I recognised her.

Melissa was stunned silent for a moment, then she grabbed my hand and marched towards Tina. "What are you doing here?" she demanded.

"Ah, my darling daughter," Tina smiled at her. "Aren't you going to give your dear mammy a hug?"

"What are you doing here?" Melissa said again. She tried to keep her voice even, but I could tell she was badly shaken. As for me, I was just functioning enough to breathe.

"Is that any way to greet your poor oul' ma who's been missing you all this time?" Tina said, offendedly.

"You don't care about me," Melissa sneered. "Why are you here? We hate you after what you did to us." She turned to Ash. "We don't want her, sure we don't?"

"Ah, but I don't think Ash sees it that way," Tina interrupted.

"Da, tell her!" Demanded Melissa.

Ash looked crestfallen. "But Lissa, I—"

Melissa couldn't believe it. Neither could I. "You're not serious?!" She cried.

"Lissa, please understand—"

"No!"

Tina turned to face me. "And if it isn't the beautiful Jasmine," she smiled, all fake bonhomie. I wanted to slap her.

"Ash is mine," I said quietly. I didn't even know why I bothered. I knew I'd lost him, I didn't stand a chance against her.

"Actually, I think you'll find he's mine," she replied cheerfully, like she was talking about how sunny it was or something. I felt like I could strangle her there and then.

"And you needn't worry yourself anymore, tootsie," she said to Melissa. "I'll be taking care of him from now on."

"I don't know what you're playing at, you bitch," Melissa hissed. "But you'll never get him back. Just wait till he remembers what you did to us, that's all. Come on, Jasmine," and she pulled me away.

Melissa was raging as we walked away. Her face got paler and I was scared she would faint on the street. I wondered how I could have been so stupid not to know something like this would happen.

I wanted to go straight home to bed, but I couldn't leave Melissa alone. As soon as we got inside her house, she burst into tears.

"I can't believe it, I can't believe it," she said, over and over.

I didn't know how to comfort her. What could I possibly say? "I can believe it actually. She's been in Cloud Magna since summer." I didn't think so. So I just had to murmur platitudes, telling her it would be okay, and Ash would probably get his memory back soon, even though I believed none of it myself.

I desperately wanted to go home. Where was that husband of hers? Shouldn't he be home by now?

"I know for a fact she doesn't love him," she heaved. "And how could my da be so stupid?! She's a nasty, selfish woman, and you're so nice..."

I just sat there rubbing her back, my mind going foggy. I'd run out of things to say. I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. I felt like I'd scream if I had to stay here a minute longer.

The front door opened. Tony had arrived, finally! Now he could take care of Melissa.

"Um..." he took one look at us, looked very embarrassed and headed for the stairs, probably thinking we were weeping over a girly film or something.

Melissa grabbed a book and flung it after him. "Useless eejit!" She screamed. "You unfeeling selfish moron! You... you... you mental midget!" She started crying again.

"I can't believe he could be so stupid," she continued. "How can anyone be that dumb? After everything that's happened... The thick gobshite!"

"I don't think he knows, Melissa," I said. "He's been at uni all day. I'll go and tell him."

"I wasn't talking about Tony, I was talking about my da!"

"Um... I think I'll go and speak to Tony anyway," I said.

I knocked on Tony's door. "Hey, can I come in?"

"Yeah," Tony said nervously.

"It's about Melissa," I started. He looked scared. He probably thought Melissa was pregnant, something like that.

"Her mum," I continued. "She's, um, come back. She's staying with Ash."

His face was blank for a moment while he assimilated the news. Then he went pale. "Oh my poor baby," he said, dashing out the room.

He loves her so much, I thought sadly. As much as Ash used to love me.

I walked out the front door. No one noticed me go.

I felt like hell. As much as I liked to convince myself that I had accepted my life with Ash was over, deep down I always held on to the hope that, if I was calm enough and patient enough, Ash would get better, remember me, and we could carry on where we left off.

Now there was no hope.

Tina was beautiful and slim and looked so young, despite being a full eleven years older than me. I was like an elephant next to her. A fat, ugly pink-haired elephant. And anyway, he loved her. In fact, she'd been his first love, his only love before he met me. Now I was erased from the scene. What chance did I have against her?

I could feel the pain lapping away at me as I tried to hold it back.

I will be okay, I will be okay...

I'd keep busy, I would remain calm, I would not let Ash know what he was doing to me. First thing, I would clean up my room.

But the pain was still there.

I couldn't shut it out. The idea of living the rest of my life without him, knowing that he loved someone else. I felt so empty, so humiliated.

I won't think about it, I won't think about it...

I was sweating from the effort, I could hardly breathe. I didn't want to feel this way about myself and my life.

I won't do it, I won't do it, I promised I wouldn't do it again...

I just wanted to stop the pain.

"I'll be taking care of him from now on..."

I pulled at my hair. She was with him, with my Ash. Right now. Right now. He would be telling her he loved her, not me. The thought of her kissing him, touching him.

That was it. I couldn't take it anymore.

. . .

I felt a bit better after cleaning my wounds. There was something calming about it — the coolness of the water, the soothing scent of lavender oil. I didn't feel so bad after, at least I could breathe, I could think a bit better. It was something else to concentrate on.

I fell asleep pretty quickly, but I didn't sleep peacefully. I dreamed about him, about her, laughing in my face. Mocking me.

Something woke me up.

I sat up in bed. There was a noise coming from outside. I strained my ears. Had someone been calling my name? Was it Ash?

I looked at the clock. 2.38.

There it was again. A whisper, so faint you could barely hear it.

"Jaaaas-miiiine."

It seemed to be coming from directly under my window.

I could think of only one person who thought calling at windows was more effective than using the doorbell. But Jack Faerie doesn't know how to whisper, I thought in confusion.

I pushed open the window and looked outside. There was no one there. I stayed there for a few minutes, but apart from a lone fox dashing across the road, there was nothing.

Perhaps I was just hearing things, I thought. It's been a long day.

Sighing wearily, I checked all the doors and windows were locked and went back to bed.

I was stunned to leave my bedroom the next morning to find Jack Faerie sitting on my sofa with a cup of coffee in his hand. I must be dreaming, I thought, closing the door. But when I opened the door and looked again, he was still there.

"What the hell are you doing on my sofa?" I shrieked. Well, tried to shriek. It came out sounding more like a painful rasp.

He just smiled broadly. "Hiya, Jazzykins. Shall I make you some toast?"

"Jack Faerie, you best be gone by the time I get dressed," I hissed.

But nothing doing. When I got back he was still there, pushing a mug of tea into my hands, which I immediately set down on the coffee table. I wondered if I had finally lost it. Was I having hallucinations?

"Your dad gave me the key before he left," he said. Dad had gone to Leicester a few days ago to visit his sister, who was having surgery. "He said I had to check on you to see if you're okay, so here I am, checking on you, and seeing if you're okay."

I curtly told him I was fine and asked if it was him lurking outside my window last night.

"No," he scoffed. "Why would I do a daft thing like that? Speaking of lurking though, there was a foxy lady hanging around outside earlier, but she ran off as soon as I came. Actually, she was a bit scary, now that I think about it. And do you know what, Jasmine," he added. "Your hair looks great!"

"Yeah, thanks," I said. "If that's all, you can go home now."

He chose to ignore my last comment and went on. "It's just like when we were at uni! Only it was more messy then. Hey!" He cried. "Why don't we go back to my place and get stoned out of our heads, just like old times!"

"You still do that?" I asked.

"Yeah... now and then, not every day or anything..." he faltered as I stared at him. "I'm an artist," he said defensively, "I have to get my inspiration from somewhere."

"Fair enough." I didn't care.

"Well, if you're sure you're okay, I'll go home."

"Good." I muttered.

That seemed to anger him. "Sometimes, Jasmine, you're really mean to me. I'm only trying to be your friend, that's all!" And he stomped off.

Had I been disagreeable to him? Well, yes, I guess I had. But so what? I thought. I never asked him to check on me anyhow. Besides, I've more important things to worry about than a junkie artist and his sensibilities. Like whether or not I can make it through the day without killing myself.

Well, maybe I wasn't that bad, but I was almost there. I kept remembering about Tina and Ash... the thought of them together, it made me physically sick. The pain was unbearable, and though I knew it was wrong, I only knew of one way to block it out. Now that I'd started again, it was impossible to stop. I didn't want to feel like this. I missed Ash so much, I didn't know how I would survive without him. The only person who could take my pain away was Ash, and he wasn't going to, so I had to take out my pain on myself. It was the only way I knew.

Candy forced me to come round to her house the next evening. She didn't know about Tina yet, I don't think anyone else did. Melissa had sworn me to secrecy; I guess she didn't want people to know she'd been lying about her mum's death.

Candy left me in the living room while she went to get something. Just my luck, Steve arrived home that moment. "Hey babes," he grinned, suggestively. "I hear you're currently without a man."

"Bravo, nincompoop," I muttered absently.

"And, as it happens, I'm currently without a woman," he continued meaningfully.

"Good for you, peacock," I replied, giving him a dirty look.

"Oh, babe, you're breaking my heart!" he wailed dramatically.

"Let's hope it's fatal," I replied, getting up. I wasn't standing for any of this nonsense. I'd rather spend a whole day with Candy than endure even a minute more with this moron. I stormed into Candy's room. "Candy, if there's something you want, can you tell me now, because I've got to get home, I've got work to do."

"Yes!" she smiled. She was standing by her PC, with a sheaf of printouts in her hands. "There is something. I was trying to make a website about puppies, you know, but I couldn't figure — Oh, Jasmine!" she shrieked. "There's blood on your hand! And your sleeves! You're hurt!"

Oh what? Damn. I realised I'd been scratching away at the cuts, without even noticing, while Steve was bugging me. "It's nothing," I muttered. "It's — I mean — I got attacked by a cat," I tried to laugh. "Stupid things!"

She looked at me, concerned, but she seemed to accept my excuse. "I've really got to get back," I stammered. "But I'll help you with your site over the weekend, I'll be less busy then, okay, Candy?"

It was about two weeks after she and Ash had got back together that Tina started to harass me.

I'd just been taking out the rubbish when she came up behind me. "Hello, there, Jasmine," she smiled.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"I've just come to see how you are," she said, making out like she was offended at my mistrust. "Believe it or not I'm very concerned about the welfare of Ash's friends."

I didn't believe it.

"People tell me you're very... fragile," she went on, acting all compassionate. "I was just checking to see if you're okay."

"You may think I'm so stupid," I told her, staring straight into her eyes, "but I'm not fooled by your disingenuous concern. So please leave me alone."

"All right, then, I'll go, if you like," she tinkled. "By the way, I really like your hair."

"Goodbye, Tina," I said firmly.

But she just looked at me critically for a while, like she was examining me. "You could do with losing a bit of weight on your stomach, dear; it's much tubbier since the last time I saw you," she said. "Just some friendly advice. Goodbye, Jasmine!" And she sauntered off, laughing to herself.

What was her problem? Wasn't she content that she'd taken Ash from me, now she was making personal insults? "Stupid conniving bitch," I muttered.

I wondered was it true what she said about me being fat? I didn't think so, and anyway, how could I have put on weight, when I could barely bring myself to eat anything?

But even though I knew I wasn't fat, I still felt ugly. She looked young, flawless, groomed. I looked like I had just crawled out of a pond. I could barely even look at myself anymore. My arms were covered in scabs, my face was red and blotchy from crying so much and my skin had got really dry and patchy. I was like a pink-haired corpse, I looked hideous. No wonder Ash picked her. No surprise that he wanted nothing to do with me, I'd have had nothing to do with myself if I had the choice.

From that day, I hardly saw any people at all. I simply couldn't bear anyone seeing me. If someone tried to visit or call — Saffron, Jack, Candy, anyone — I'd promptly despatch them back to where they came from. Why pretend they wanted to see me, when I knew they didn't really care? They obviously had more important things to do. It was mere tokenism, and I hadn't time for their rubbish.

I was on the verge of losing my job; all the programs I was meant to be fixing were crashing all over the shop. "Toshco's entire supplier database got deleted because of you!" my boss roared at me one day. "You're damn lucky they made a backup the day before, or your head would roll!" I didn't care. It was only a dumb database for goodness sakes, it wasn't the end of the world. And I didn't care if they sacked me. I'd just about had enough of that poxy job anyway.

"Heeey, Jasmine. You look kinda bored," Steve grinned at me. "Can I come in?"

Someone still thinks I'm beautiful, I thought. Well if Ash could move on with his life, then maybe I should too. That would show him. Did he think I was going to spend the rest of my life mourning our lost love? Well I wasn't. Steve continued to grin suggestively. And you know what? I could do with a bit of affection right now, someone to love me, someone to tell me I'm gorgeous.

And then I didn't care anymore, and shut the door in his face.

I was watching a canned-laughter sitcom, and wishing I could strangle the entire cast, when someone knocked on my door. I opened it, ready to throttle the culprit, but there was no one there. I looked down; someone had left something on my doorstep. I picked it up. Maybe it's a present from Ash, I began to think, then checked myself. Why would Ash be sending me presents?

I took it inside and opened it. It was a large canvas with a print of that floozy Tina Neville.

"Curse you, Asbo Barbie!" I hissed. She was taunting me, but I couldn't figure out why. She'd already taken the one person who really understood me, and with it, my life. Now she was rubbing it in my face. Could anyone really be so nasty, I wondered, bursting into tears. What did she want from me? Why couldn't she just leave me alone?

I should have thrown it out, chucked it in the bin where it belonged, but for some reason I thought it might be useful to hang onto it a while, so I stuffed it, face down, under the sofa.

I'm going to kill that woman, I thought, seething with anger. But first I was going to see Jack Faerie; maybe there were other ways of numbing the pain after all.

My head hurt like anything the next morning, but I wasn't quite so angry as I was before. At least, not until I opened the front door to find someone had puked all over the doorstep. I got a broom and bucket and started to clean it, almost puking myself.

Tina casually walked past my house. "Hello, Jasmine. Oh, has someone made a mess all over your doorstep? What a shame!"

It was her. I knew it. I felt like ramming the broom down her throat.

"You poor thing," she continued. "What a hard time you must be having."

"Leave me alone," I whispered.

"I take it you've heard the news," she said. "Ash and I are getting married."

Oh my God, oh my good God. He wouldn't, he couldn't—

"You will be coming, of course?" she twinkled. "We'll be needing bridesmaids."

"Go to hell," I hissed.

"But, darling," she said, stroking my face. I slapped her hand away. She smiled. "I've just come back from there!" She walked off, laughing to herself.

"I'll kill her," I sobbed. "I swear to God I'll kill that woman. I'll —" I stopped as Corin's dad walked past, looking at me. He was a copper, I knew. I shot him a dirty look and stormed inside.

I did find some use for the portrait of Asbo Barbie after all. "Blank blank blank!" I yelled as pelted her with darts. I only wished I could do it for real. "Damn you, Asbo Barbie," I shouted tearfully. "Damn you and damn Ash!"

I felt so miserable. It looked like I was going to have to make another visit to Jack Faerie today.

But it didn't help this time. I tried taking a few sleeping pills with it to send me off into a haze, but all it did was make me feel worse.

How could Ash do this to me? I wondered. He promised me he would love me always, he promised. Talk is cheap, huh, Ash? I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't bring myself to. He was lovely, he always was. He'd always been good to me. It wasn't really his fault he couldn't remember me, it wasn't his fault I was a fat ugly cow. I had only myself to blame, for leaving him alone that night, for not being as slim and as beautiful as Tina.

My head hurt something awful. Everything seemed so sinister. Nowhere was safe. I just want the pain to stop, I sobbed to myself. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

He was marrying her. Tina. I couldn't believe it. He was going to remarry her. I kept saying it in my head, over and over, in the hope that repetition would dull the impact.

It didn't.

Damn you, Jasmine, damn you. I dashed the scissors back onto the table, they were too blunt. Stupid load of rubbish. I got the kitchen knives out, then skittered them away, too. Knives were never any good, I learnt that when I was 15. I went to the bathroom. Razor blades were better.

Can't you do anything right? I thought, not satisfied until the cuts got deeper. When I ran out of space on my arms, I started on my thighs. I just wanted to stop the pain.

After a brief frenzy I stopped. I felt a bit better now, more in control. I should really clean up the mess, I thought, hazily. Someone might walk in and see me covered in blood and that'd never do. But I felt so sleepy. Later, I promised myself. I'll do it later, I just need to rest a bit.

And I dozed off.

"Jasmine."

Someone was calling my name. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Was it—

"Ashley? Is that really you?"

"Ashley, what are you doing here, how did you get in—?"

"I've come back for you, Catnip," he smiled. "I was mad to take Tina back, to abandon you. I love you, my Jasmine."

"I love you too, Ashley," I said quietly. I looked at his clothes. "You're wearing the t-shirt I got for you," I smiled. "You always looked so nice in black."

"I know you like it, Catnip, I wore it specially for you," he said, holding me tight. I was so happy, it felt so good to be held by him again.

I knew he wouldn't break his promise, I knew he'd come back to me in the end.

"I love you so much, Ashley."

"I know." He stroked my hair softly.

"I was so miserable without you."

"It'll be all right now, don't worry. I'll look after you, a chroí, I'll always love you, I promise."

"I know you will, Ashley," I smiled. It was going to be okay now. It was such a feeling of relief. Ash started singing softly, an Irish ballad. I didn't understand a word, but it was so soothing. I started to feel sleepy. "I missed you so much, Ashley," I wept.

"I know, I missed you too." His voice was very quiet by now, muffled, like a distant echo.

"I feel very sleepy, Ash," I murmured, holding onto him, but his grip on me was weakening. Everything seemed to get darker.

"I know, Catnip," I could barely hear him now. My legs were giving way beneath me.

"I think I'm dying, Ash."

"It'll be okay, Jasmine, it'll be okay..."