Raindrops — Part Five

Well it's been a long time coming but it's finally here!
— Silver

I was stunned. I couldn't speak for a moment. "You mean he has concussion?" I eventually asked.

"Jasmine, you don't lose ten years with just concussion!" Melissa said plaintively.

"There must be some mistake," I said faintly. "He can't have forgotten me. Is he awake? Can I see him?"

"Yes, but —"

I pushed past her into Ash's room. I was struck by how fragile he looked.

I sat next to his bed and just looked at him for a while. His face was covered in bruises and cuts. My heart broke for him and for a moment I forgot my own fears. I'd have done anything to take away his pain, anything.

It felt so dreamlike, so surreal. I really couldn't believe I was looking at the love of my life, all battered and bruised.

He stirred. "Ash?" I whispered to him. "Ashley?" He turned to face me. "Hey, it's going to be okay. I'm here now, I'll look after you. You remember me, don't you?" I said gently. "You remember your Catnip?"

He opened his eyes and looked at me and I could tell. I just knew. He didn't have to say anything.

I had lost him.

"Who are you?" he muttered weakly.

I didn't want to hear. I backed out the door.

I've lost Ash, I've lost Ash, screamed a voice in my head. I had to get out of here, I felt like I was drowning.

I ran out the door. I heard Melissa calling after me. "Jasmine! Stop! Please, come back —"

I couldn't breathe in here. I had to leave. I ran and ran and ran. Out the main doors, into the lashing rain. I had to keep going. Maybe if I ran enough I could escape the pain.

Maybe hell.

I just had the one thought going round and round in my head. I'd lost Ash. I'd lost the man I love.

I can't really remember what happened after that. I couldn't even remember how I got home. Had I got a taxi or a bus or what? Next thing I knew I was outside my house, gasping for breath.

I was stupefied. Did that really happen? Was Ash really hurt? Out in the cold night air I could think better, and it felt hard to believe it. Perhaps, I thought, perhaps it didn't happen.

Of course! I must have imagined it all. Really, it's 9 o'clock and I'm just setting out to meet Jack and Amber.

I looked at my watch. Quarter to two.

I didn't cry. I was too shell-shocked for tears. I looked at my front door blankly. I knew there was something I was supposed to do with it. What was it? Oh yes, I realised. Put the key in the lock.

And only then did I realise I was soaked to the skin.

I stood in my doorway for a while, trying to realise it, trying to understand. I didn't feel sad. I didn't really feel anything. Eventually I saw the water dripping from my clothes was making puddles on the floor. I looked down sadly. Sighing, I had a shower and headed to bed.

I climbed into bed with the vague idea that there was no point in trying to ever sleep again. But I drifted off after a few minutes: I was exhausted after all that running.

I drifted in and out of sleep for a couple of hours. Everytime I woke up I felt sick to my stomach. I'd have the awful feeling of impending doom, that something was wrong, then the memories would come back to me and there was an awful dull ache.

If only I could cry, I thought. If only I could express my grief, I'd feel a bit better.

But my eyes remained resolutely dry.

I'd never felt so much pain in years. The only time I felt this bad was when Liam died, and even then at least I had some warning. But I didn't have any warning with Mum, and I didn't feel as bad as this. Why? Maybe because I was still on the antidepressants. No, wait, it wasn't that. It was because Ash was there. That's it! I thought in relief. I'll call Ash. He'll understand. He'll know what to do.

I reached for the phone and dialled his number. Just as his phone started to ring I paused and stared at it stupidly. What was I doing? I replaced the phone and sat huddled up in bed for a while. It was so awfully silent. I wanted to scream. How could everyone sleep so peacefully?

And still I couldn't cry.

I couldn't take the silence anymore. I heaved myself out of bed and stepped outside. It was all quiet, except for the faint hum of early morning traffic in the distance. I just stood there for a while, trying to make sense of it all.

I watched the sun rise. A robin perched on my roof burst into its melancholy song.

And suddenly a wave of pain washed over me, pushed me under, kicked me in the stomach and threw me to my knees.

And finally the tears came.

I cried for the pain Ash was going through, for the loss of my future, our future, for everything that could have been. And now we'd never know.

"Ashley..." I cried. "Ashley..."

The pain was so intense, I felt like I would die from it. I wanted to scream and scream and scream until I was sick. Why were bad things always happening to me? Why was I losing everyone I loved? Why was I always causing pain and suffering for the people I cared for most?

"Jasmine... Jasmine..." I looked up. It was daylight now. Dad was walking up to me. "Hey, Sparky, I'm so sorry," he said, putting his arm around me and leading me inside.

"Ashley..." I whimpered.

"I know, Jasmine. Tony rang me a few minutes ago. Don't cry, now, don't cry. Maybe it will all be okay, dear. There now — there, now."

"Dad, it was awful," I sobbed. "He didn't know me at all."

"Tony says it's just temporary, Sparky. He says it'll probably come right soon enough. Don't worry so much."

It never even occured to me that he might get his memory back soon. I dried my eyes. Perhaps it would be okay after all.

"Would you like me to stay with you for a few days?" Dad continued. "Or you could come back home for a bit?"

"Thanks, Dad," I managed a little smile. "But I'm okay."

I had just got dressed when Tony arrived. "Just come to see how you are," he said, beaming. How could he be so happy at a time like this?

"Has he—" I started.

"Uhh... no, not yet. If it's any consolation, Jasmine, he hasn't a clue who I am either."

It struck me that I didn't even know what had happened. I asked Tony.

"Hit and run," he said, sadly. "The cops've got a good ID of the car; they think they'll find the culprit soon."

The thought of my poor helpless Ash being hit by a car got me crying again.

And then I heard someone yelling at the window. "JAAASMIIIIINE! I got summat for ya! Open up will you?!"

I turned to Tony. "Oh please get rid of him for me, please!"

But as soon as he opened the door, Jack Faerie rushed in with a set of command strips and hung up a canvas on the wall. "Morning Jazza. Morning Taffer," he nodded to Tony. "What do you think of this, Jazzy Girl?" He asked, pointing to the canvas. "I think it turned out okay, no?"

It was the portrait he'd painted for us. My eyes welled up again.

"What did I say?" Jack asked, looking confused. "Why are you crying? Why is she crying, Tony?"

Tony led him to the door. "Umm... come outside, Jack, I'll explain."

I didn't want Jack's sympathy. I just wanted to be left alone. The only person who I ever felt really comfortable pouring my heart out to was Ash, and that was only because I didn't need to. He knew how I was feeling without even having to ask. I've lost my best friend, I realised, overcome by new wave of sorrow.

I could hear Tony and Jack returning to the front door. I braced myself for a dramatic show of emotion from Jack. I wasn't disappointed.

"Jasmine, I'm so so so so sorry! I had no idea what happened. I'll take the painting back, don't you worry about it."

"No, Jack, really, it's lovely, thank you, I'll treasure it."

"Really? You serious?"

"Yes, Jack, really." I wished he'd just go. Didn't he have some ironing or something to do?

"Okie dokie. Amber says I've to make sure the windows are all cleaned before she gets back from her facial, so I'll catch you two later. But I'm sure everything will work out fine."

"Jasmine, I wouldn't worry too much you know," smiled Tony. "You forget I'm doing a degree in Psychology, we did a lot of work on memory last year. You see, he hasn't actually lost his memory— "

"Really?" I snapped.

"He hasn't lost his memory," Tony repeated, patiently. "He's just temporarily lost the ability to recall parts of it. It'll come all right in a couple of weeks, likely as not. You'll see."

"Do you really think so?"

"Yes! Just be patient, Jasmine."

Patient, he said. I didn't do patient.

I was struck by how much time I had on my hands now. I'd spent most of my free time with Ash or working on the Elise. Now I had nothing to do. Saffron had gone away for the summer holidays and Melissa was looking after Ash. I didn't want to see anyone else, I certainly didn't want to go partying anymore. Nearly everything reminded me of him. Not just the photos of him on my walls. Any random thing would do. I couldn't look at a newspaper without remembering how we would always do the cryptic crosswords together. I didn't even want to eat, because any type of food reminded me of what a good cook he was. Even seeing a zitty teenager reminded me of his blackspot treatment thing (I'd found out it had nothing to do with acne at all, but it still reminded me of it). And obviously, anything even slightly Irish got me all misty-eyed.

And I couldn't even put all my energy into debugging, because I'd booked the next two weeks off work. And that made me even sadder, because on Tuesday I was supposed to be going to Ireland with Ash. And now I wasn't. I was going to ask him to find the most romantic spot he knew during our tour and propose to me there. I'd even hoped that the two weeks would have been enough for me to get his family's approval and organise the wedding for some time next spring.

I spent the next day doing nothing but watching old videos, but even then I couldn't help but think that getting all nostalgic was much more fun when Ash was there.

I decided to be fatalistic about it. Obviously I was meant to be miserable all my life. But being miserable would be a lot easier if I hadn't been so happy before, I thought sadly.

But then, of course, that was probably the whole point.

Well, if I thought I was miserable then, I hadn't really seen anything yet. Candy came to visit me in the evening.

"Oh Jasmine! I'm very completely sorry, isn't it all too awful for words?"

Yes, I thought, if she meant her presence in my house.

"I'm sorry I didn't come earlier," she babbled. "You see, Terence Milano told Steve yesterday morning, only Steve didn't tell me till lunchtime, because he is not good at sign language and didn't really understand what Terence was saying, and then Joe told him after what happened and I would've come straight after I heard, only I didn't stop crying until ten minutes ago, I'm going to burst into tears again — there!" And she did just that.

"And I was so hoping you two would get married," she sobbed. "Mr Milton said he'd invite me if you did and I asked if I could be your bridesmaid, and he said probably, but I should ask you, and besides, I have something for you to cheer you up," she ended, handing me a box.

"Because I know you love chocolate, and I thought it might make you feel a bit better, and you can eat them when you're in the depths of despair, and remember that I'm thinking about you and still love you, even if Mr Milton doesn't anymore."

Maybe she wasn't so bad, after all, I thought. A bit childish and emotionally exhausting, it was true, but her heart was in the right place. Perhaps I should give her a break.

But really, the chocolates didn't help, because they just reminded me of that time Ash took me to the fancy chocolatier in Canterbury.

She was off again. "I was just thinking this morning, as soon as I woke up the thought just came into my head, how special it would be when you had little baby Jasmines and Mr Miltons toddling about. And I was thinking how nice it would have been if I could babysit for you, and now maybe there never will be any babies," she started blubbing again. "And... and... and... I'll never get to babysit for you!"

"There, there, Candy, don't cry," I soothed. Shouldn't she be comforting me? I thought in confusion.

I was desperate to change the subject, so I asked her how she was getting on with Corin.

"Um... fine," she muttered. "But can you promise me one thing, Jasmine? If you and Mr Milton do get back together and have kids, you will let me play with them won't you?"

"Yes, yes, of course," I agreed, thinking there was little chance of it happening anyway. Luckily for me, she left soon after, because "sitting in your house just reminds me of what a perfect couple you and Mr Milton were and it's making me feel really, really unhappy, so I might just go home to cry by myself."

I spent a good deal of time crying by myself too. Dad and Tony would pop in for half an hour or so every day, but even when I was surrounded by people I still felt so so so lonely.

I'd never minded being by myself before — in fact I was fiercely independent and solitude was my friend. But Ash had changed all that. Now I was an ineffectual sap who was nothing without him.

September arrived and with it my birthday. It had been two weeks since Ash's accident but it still hurt so much. I hadn't been out at all since then and I sensed a familiar pattern. I'm not going to crack up this time, I vowed. No way was I going back on antidepressants.

So I had to force myself to go out, even just for a little bit; I'd make myself sit in the park for a while. After all nature was supposed to be a great healer, though I didn't have much faith in it myself.

I went to sit in the flower garden and was surprised to see Melissa there. She looked exhausted and totally run down. "Howya, Jasmine," she said. She sounded as worn out as she looked. "Whatcha doing here?"

"Just getting some air," I replied. "How you holding up?"

"I feel like death warmed up, Jasmine. It's very hard seeing him like that, all lost. He's so confused." She was quiet for a moment. "Imagine how you'd feel if one minute you're happily married with a young daughter, the next you wake up to find your wife's left you, your daughter's grown up, you're in a different country and you're meant to be in love with someone you've never heard of."

Imagine how you'd feel if one day you're planning on getting married to the love of your life and the next he hasn't a clue who you are, I thought. But I refrained from saying it. Instead I asked how Ash was.

"Well, he's settled in at home now. We've set up a bed downstairs and put in a ramp so we can get him in and out the house easily," she said. "He's still doped up on painkillers and he's having balance issues, so we're keeping him in the wheelchair for now. And his short term memory is still a bit iffy and then he gets upset when he can't remember things. Maybe when he's feeling a bit more stable he'll be ready to see you."

"Why? Did he specifically say he doesn't want to see me yet?" I asked.

"These things take time, you know that. He's messed up and in great pain." She paused, then snapped. "Give him a break, Jasmine. Remembering you is the least of his worries right now."

I'd never seen Melissa angry at me before. She knew this was my fault. She knew we wouldn't be in this mess if I'd stayed with Ash instead of going off to Canterbury.

She sighed. "Look, I've to get back now, Jasmine, I'll let you know when you can see him." And she left.

All the way home the feeling of guilt increased. Maybe she was right. Maybe it was my fault. What was I doing galavanting around town when my poor Ash was being run over? I should never have left him.

All I did was cause others to suffer. First Liam, then Mum, and now Ash. I felt rotten. Melissa hated me, Ash hated me, and even the people on the street were looking at me like I was a common criminal. I just wanted to go straight to bed. So what if I ended up on those blasted tablets again? Who cared anymore?

When I arrived at my house, Saffron was waiting for me. My heart leapt with joy. I was so glad to see her! We hugged for a while, then I let her in and I started to cry again.

She had arrived back from Spain a few days ago, and she'd called me a few times, but I hadn't seen her since she came back. Poor Saffron! Tears always made her feel awkward, but then she had four older brothers, so I couldn't blame her. Tears were not legal currency in her house.

"Saffron," I sobbed. "It was all my fault, if I'd stayed with him instead of going out with Jack, he'd have been all right."

"How could the accident have been your fault?" she asked.

"Because I should have stayed with him!" I sobbed.

"He's not a child! How could you have even known he was going out? He told you he was having an early night. Jasmine, listen to me, please. The only person whose fault this is is the guy who hit him in the first place. Speaking of which, I hear they've made arrests."

I wiped my tears. "Melissa never mentioned anyone being arrested for it yet," I said. "Who told you?"

"Mr Oxford. And they're certain they've got the right guy," Saffron continued. "So stop beating yourself up. Besides, Tony says Ash is likely to get better in a few weeks."

Thank you, you're the 50th person who's told me that.

"In the meantime," she continued. "Joe's at a loose end without all that lab stuff to nerd out over."

I told her to have a word with Melissa, Joe could probably carry on Ash's research until he was better. "Thanks, Jasmine, you're a star. And I'll get your birthday present soon," Saffron promised. "I didn't think you'd be in the mood for celebrations right now."

I held on to Tony's prediction that everything would right itself soon like my life depended on it. Which it did, I suppose. Or at least my sanity depended on it. Sometimes I'd be struck by the thought — What if Ash didn't get better? And the prospect was so terrifying that I would shake with fear.

The days dragged on and I didn't hear from Melissa or Ash at all. The only progress reports were from Tony. At least he didn't hate me.

I felt wretched. I was so desperately lonely without Ash. I felt like there was nothing left of me. That my existence vanished along with his memories of me and I was just an empty body now. I caught my reflection one day and realised what a miserable sight I was. Well my two weeks' holiday ("holiday" — ha!) were up, so at least I could immerse myself in work soon.

There must be something I can do to make myself feel better, I thought, staring at my lifeless face in the mirror.

And suddenly I knew exactly what to do.

I would colour my hair pink!

That would teach Ash to go and forget about me! I thought. Well, you're not the only one moving on, now are you?

Oh who was I kidding? Still, if I couldn't convince myself I was fine, at least I could pretend to the rest of the world that I didn't care.

No, actually, I didn't think I could do that either. I just looked like a cadaver with pink hair.

Sunday night, and tomorrow I'd have a new batch of dodgy PHP files to sort out. I checked my mail to see what torture they had in store for me, when I noticed something very wrong in my inbox.

It was an e-mail from David. Oh my good God, I thought. What does he want now?

Hey babe,
What you up to Friday night? Fancy a meal at the Ivy?
I've been thinking about you all day, hot stuff ;)
Davey xxxxxx

Stupid moron. He obviously hadn't deleted my e-mail address from his "hit-list", as I used to call it. Oh yes, I knew all about his hit-list. I was a programmer after all, it wasn't difficult to hack his e-mail client and add my own address to it.

He was obviously sending the same message to every woman in his address book. I could tell because he hadn't even mentioned my name once. He hadn't changed a bit. What a loser!

I was furious, but one thing comforted me. He must be losing his touch if he was having to fish for a date. I stormed into the kitchen. Mum was browsing through the fridge.

"Where's all those cakes and things you used to have?" she complained. "They were nice, although they were never as good as mine."

"There aren't going to be any more cakes," I said quietly, trying to hold back the tears. "Ash used to make them for me and he doesn't even remember who I am anymore."

She jumped. "Mon Dieu, Jasmine, what on Earth have you done to your hair?!"

"I've only coloured it," I said defensively.

"It may have suited you when you were twelve, but you look a right idiot now."

I wasn't going to hold back the tears anymore. I started sobbing again.

"Oh là là... I'm sorry, ma petite."

"No problem," I said, wiping my eyes. That was the first time she'd been nice to me in ages. I wondered what I did to deserve it.

She switched on the stereo and turned to me, smiling. "Hey, come look at my new dance routine. And a one and a two— "

God, she must have been really bored!

"Come and join in with me, shake shake shake!" She danced for a while, then looked at me. "Feeling better now, ma cherie?"

"Yes," I smiled. Everyone in this town was mad. "I'll head off to bed now. Have fun, Mum."

As soon as I stepped into my room the phone started ringing. It was Candy.

"Jasmine, I hope I didn't wake you up. I need to ask you something. You see, Mr Milton persuaded me to do biology and chemistry for my A Levels by promising to help me with my studies, only I don't suppose he will now, so I was wondering if you studied them at sixth form and will you help me instead?"

Oh, that girl! She drove me mad! Lucky for me, I hadn't a freaking clue about either of them. Oh, to think! What if Candy had chosen to study computing?! I'd have no choice but to skip town.

I missed Ash so much. Sometimes I'd stand outside his house at night, silently willing him to notice me, to love me again. I really didn't know what I would do if he didn't get his memory back.

"Ash... Ash..."

I would have done anything, anything, to hear him say my name again, in the old way.

One evening, Jack Faerie noticed me and told me I needed to stop it; he said I was getting dangerously close to stalker territory. He invited me to come spend the evening with him and Amber, but I just gave him a stony look and walked home. I knew Jack would be keeping an eye out for me after that. Now I had no way to feel close to Ash.

Time went on, and things still didn't get any easier. Tony was about the only person I saw during that time. Saffron was right about the guy who hit Ash being found.

"Yeah, some kid from Upchurch taking his mum's car out for a joyride," Tony said. "He had his plea hearing a few days ago; I was in the gallery. He pleaded not guilty, can you believe it? Two witnesses noted down the reg and the car driving away was caught on CCTV, but he's claiming it wasn't him."

I decided to tell him how I felt about Melissa seeming to be angry at me.

"She isn't, Jasmine," he reassured me. "It's hard for her — she's always been devoted to her dad and she feels like she owes him after uprooting him from the farm. I try to pop in every day to help with the chores, but I'm struggling to juggle that along with uni and my part time job. Ash's sister came over to stay, but Melissa couldn't just relax and let the auntie take over for a couple of weeks. She says getting a care worker in would rob him of his dignity. So she's taking on more than she should and she's just so worn out. But I assure you, Jasmine, she doesn't hate you. I know she doesn't talk to you much these days, but then I hardly even see her myself anymore. She's always exhausted. She's skipped a bunch of lectures and her grades are slipping terribly. I'm scared she'll be kicked off the course. I'm trying to persuade her to take a break and get a carer in to help."

Tony still seemed to think that Ash would be okay soon. But September turned to October, and Ash still hadn't remembered anything of the last ten years. I was starting to lose hope. It was time to finally admit that, maybe, it wasn't going to happen for a long time, or even ever at all.

I started feeling very lethargic and nonchalant; my house turned into a tip, but I didn't care. The only important thing was that Ash didn't remember me, and he should have. But I had to hold on to the hope that he would get better, because if he didn't, there was really nothing left to live for.

But on the last week of October, something happened that forced me to accept that the worst might happen. Melissa came to visit me for the first time since the accident, and she didn't bear good news.

"Howya, Jasmine," she said, awkwardly. "Umm... I have something to ask you." She looked at the floor. "Uhh... Da says can you give him back the spare key to his house."

I felt myself go pale.

He was cutting me out of his life completely. It really was over.

Without a word I walked over to the sidetable, opened the drawer and handed her the key. "I'm not giving back the bracelet," I said, trying not to cry. "It's mine. He gave it to me. Am I to be robbed of my memories too?!"

"He didn't mention anything about a bracelet," she said quietly. I just stared at her.

"Oh, Jasmine, please don't be mad at me!" she cried. "I tried to talk him out of it, I did!" She broke down now, and I gave her a hug.

She was hurting as much as I was. I didn't realise till then how much she meant to me. "He's still in love with her, and I can't make him understand she doesn't care about either of us. He wanted to go back to Ireland to find her, but I won't let him." She wiped her eyes, and looked at me for a while. "Jasmine, I want you to know, whatever happens, you'll always be family to me, and I'll always love you. You've been more of a mother to me in the short time I've known you than she ever has, and I need you to know that."

"Thank you, Melissa," I sniffed. "I love you too."

"I'm doing all I can to get you two back together," she sniffed. "But he's so stuck in the past and it's hard. I'm thinking of sending him to hypnotherapy. It's expensive, but I don't know what else to do; the neuropsychlogist said she's out of ideas and I have to do something. But I promise you I will try to get him to talk to you."

"Thank you, Melissa," I said. Before she left I made her promise to accept help from Tony and her family, stressing she'd be no use to Ash or anyone if she burned out, and she agreed.

I thought I may as well spend the rest of the evening sorting out the dodgy scripts. I felt suicidal anyway, and it was a shame to waste it.

But true to her word, Melissa did manage to persuade Ash to see me. This was what I had been waiting for for over two months. I was finally going to see my soul-mate again.

But as I knocked on the door, fear seized me. I was terrified now. I wanted to turn around and run back home, but it was too late. Melissa had already got to the door and let me in. "I'll leave you two to it," she smiled. "I'll be upstairs. Give me a shout if you need anything."

I walked through the sitting room and sat down. My heart was thudding so loud I was sure Ash would hear it. My mouth went dry and it was ages before I could even bring myself to look at him. "Hi," I smiled shyly. God, what was I supposed to say to him? He was effectively a stranger to me now. "Um, how's your leg?" I said, feeling foolish.

"Not so bad now," he said, avoiding my eyes. "Should be out of the cast soon."

Okay, now what? I didn't know what to say to him. So we sat in silence. It was so quiet, all I could hear was the ticking of the clock behind me and Ash occasionally clearing his throat.

And then I couldn't take it anymore. "Is that it then?" I asked. "Is this how we're going to end?"

He didn't say anything, he just looked at the floor.

"Oh, please say something!" I begged. "I miss you so much, Ashley!"

He finally looked at me. He looked so... so... different. "Oh, Miss Jasmine," he sighed. "I don't know what's happening. Sure, I don't even know who I am anymore." I wanted to go up to him and hold him, tell him he didn't have to be afraid anymore, that I'd look after him and love him and everything would be all right, he'll see.

But I couldn't.

Why had I even come? What was I hoping to achieve? Melissa had told me he hadn't remembered me at all. So what did I expect? That he'd take me out for dinner? That we'd be riding off into the sunset? Was I just too pathetic for words?

"I'm sorry, Ash," I whispered. "I have to go now. I've got stuff to do."

Die of sadness, of course, but I wasn't going to tell him that.

I left. My life, as Anne Shirley once mused, was a perfect graveyard of buried hopes. If anything, I felt even worse than before.

Of course, the more miserable I was, the more likely Candy would appear and intensify the misery. Oh, she meant well, but even so, she had this ability to make me feel like throwing myself into the nearest river.

"I was thinking, Jasmine, since I'm no good at chemistry, I might repeat Year 12 next September and switch to computing next year. What do you think?"

I wondered if there was any hemlock growing in the garden.

And all the while I couldn't help but remember how good it used to be. It was beautiful, it really was. Ash and I had been so perfect together, I'd never known anyone like him. The reality of losing him was too much to bear sometimes. I tried hard as anything not to think about it, but that was easier said than done.

I didn't have trouble getting to sleep; sleep was a mercy. I spent as much time sleeping as possible. It was the waking up that was hard. I'd lie in bed in the morning with this horrid horrid dull ache in my chest, feeling like I couldn't breathe, feeling so so sick, unable to get up, crippled by pain, and just wishing that I was dead. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking that everything was still fine, and then suddenly I'd remember that it wasn't, and it was like a punch in the stomach. The pain could be so bad that I'd literally throw up.

I was in the supermarket in Maidstone on one of my rare days out the house when I bumped into Nafeesa again. "Oh, hello there, Jasmine. Long time no see. I almost didn't recognise you! I really like what you've done with your hair," she smiled.

"Hello, Nafeesa. How are things?" I said. "Your neighbour still giving you trouble?"

"Oh, don't ask! That woman!" She growled. "Do you know, the other day, my kids were out in the garden, I went inside to take a phonecall and the moment my back was turned that hussy tried to give my children beer! Beer! My youngest is only four and she tried to give her alcohol! I swear to you, I feel as if I could kill that woman, I really do." Crumbs, she sounded like she meant it. She sighed. "Now she's knocking over our bins and throwing her rubbish over our fence. The cops and the council do nothing, they say they need solid evidence. So we've had to cancel our holiday to pay for a proper CCTV system. God have mercy on us all!" She shook her head.

"That's horrific," I gasped.

"I know, I'm so mad!" She slammed the chiller cabinet shut. "I must get back home now. God bless you, Jasmine. Keep in touch, okay?"

I met Melissa the next day. "Come with me," she said, leading me to Ash's house. "I hear things didn't go too well last week, but we mustn't give up. We'll have dinner together — you, me and Da."

I wasn't sure if it was a good idea.

"Jasmine, I reckon the more he sees you the more likely you'll trigger some memory. What have you got to lose?"

What had I got to lose indeed.

"Good! I'll give you fair warning, Jasmine, he's talking of selling the car."

I gasped. Not his beautiful Lotus! I still had so much work to do on it. I wondered if I had enough to buy it off him. Probably not.

"It's too polluting, he says," she continued. "You know how he's into saving the planet and that. He only got the car because he knows you—" Melissa stopped short before we reached Ash's gate.

"Someone's with him," I remarked.

I saw Melissa go pale. "I know who it is," she whispered.

"It's Asbo Barbie," I said, hardly believing it. "It's that floozy Tina Neville!"

I felt Melissa grip my arm. "It's my mother."