Sorry, I'm not drawing the seatbelts agan. Just imagine they're there.
— Silver

When you're lost, and you're alone, and you can't get back again
I will find you, darling, and I will bring you home
— Sade, By Your Side

We arranged for Tina's funeral to be held a week later. Melissa refused to have anything to do with it. We chose the most basic service, just straight to the graveyard for the burial. I asked if we could have her buried in the cemetery in Maidstone rather than the village graveyard. Perhaps it was selfish of me, but I didn't want her buried anywhere near my mother and brother. Tina had no loved ones here. It would just be me, Ash and Tony coming.

The day of the funeral was a cold, wet Monday afternoon. Saffron joined us for moral support. She said despite everything, it still seemed a sad way to go. The four of us stood quietly while the priest read out the formalities.

Just as Tina's coffin was being lowered into the ground, Melissa showed up. She threw a black rose into the grave, a single flower for Tina. She didn't say a word. After the funeral, she went to her room and didn't come out for the rest of the day.

A week after the funeral, Melissa asked if Ash and I could come over.

"I'm sorry I've been giving you the cold shoulder," she said quietly.

"It's okay to need space," I replied.

"I've been thinking about what you said, Jasmine," Melissa said. "I didn't think we were the same, but you're right, we kind of are." I smiled sadly at her, as she continued. "I thought about what you said, how bad things can get when you don't think you need help. My ma died for it. I'm lucky to have you to look out for me." She fidgeted and lowered her head. "Da, if you don't mind, I was wondering if you could pay for a therapist for me, just until I can get a better paying job. I'll pay you back. There's nothing on the NHS except short-term interventions, and Tony said that would do more harm than good. And I can't afford to pay fifty quid a week right now for a private therapist. I'm really sorry to ask, Da."

"Oh, you're grand, a leanbh. I'll cover it all, you don't need to pay me back."

"Are you sure, Da?"

"You're my daughter, of course I'm sure. Plus the Spotless spray is doing really well, the royalties will easily cover your therapy, so don't worry. The money's just sitting there gathering dust anyway."

"Thanks, Da." Melissa said, looking up and smiling at Ash. "I was going to do a counselling course at your college in September, but Jasmine made me realise I was trying to fix everything except myself. I still want to be a counsellor one day, but I need to get my own mental health in order first. I might do the therapeutic massage course first then, since you're covering my therapy. Then once I'm in a good place, I can think about training to be a counsellor."

"You'll be a grand counsellor, Lissa," Ash smiled.

"As grand as your Max?" She smiled.

Ash booped her nose. "Even grander."

In the months that followed, we all had our own healing to pursue. Tina, even in death, cast a shadow over us. Things were still sombre for the next couple of weeks. It was kind of hard to find joy in anything without feeling guilty. I had a whole new bunch of trauma to add to my list and realised I still had a lot of work to do with Emma. Ash and I had to learn to renavigate our relationship. There was a lot of second guessing on what was healthy support and what was codependency. We just had to figure it out as we went along. Melissa had to ditch her therapist after a couple of months, as she really didn't gel with her, but she didn't give up. She switched to a different therapist and started to make progress. Max was helping Ash process Tina's death and the aftermath.

Strangely enough, during that time, I found a new hobby. One day, during our Wednesday meetups (we'd brought them back once things started to get back to normal again), Dad came round with a big box of Indian sweets he'd got from Leicester. I'd forgotten to tell him about Ash's dairy allergy, and Ash's disappointment at not being able to eat any of them was palpable. I could tell by the look on his face that he was weighing up whether it was worth getting hives for. So I called up my cousins in Leicester, and one of them e-mailed me the old family recipes for barfi, ras malai and halwa, with tips on how I could make them dairy-free. The halwa was easy, but the barfi and ras malai were heavily dairy-based. I secretly practised at Dad's house, using him and Saffron as my guinea pigs, until I came up with recipes that had a taste and texture close enough to the dairy versions.

I don't think I'd ever seen Ash that happy since the day I agreed to be his girlfriend.

"Crumbs! Look at the face on you! The way to a man's heart really is through his stomach," I laughed. "Who looks like a kittycat on catnip now?"

He sighed happily, replete with barfi. "Ah, so this is why you've been neglecting the Lotus. Look at ye, living off frozen food, but being a master confectioner. You don't know how much I wanted to try those sweets. And you went to the trouble of making a recipe just for me. Jasmine, you really are the dream woman."

In June, Saffron announced she was three months pregnant. "You're gonna be an auntie!" She squealed.

"Oh my gosh! Saffron!"

Saffron squealed again. "Joe's over the moon and panicking at the same time! He's over at Ash's now, driving him mad with parenting questions. Jasmine, we want you and Ash to be the godparents. Joe's asking Ash now. Will you?"

"You bet your life, I will! Crikey! Oh, Saffy, you're gonna be a brilliant mum!" I held her hands as we jumped up and down. "I'm going to be Auntie Jasmine! I'm so excited!"

"I know! I can't wait!"

When the summer holidays were approaching, Ash asked if I'd like to go on that tour of Ireland he'd proposed last August. "Did you get the time off work?" He asked.

I nodded. "Yep."

"The full two weeks?"

"Yes!"

We planned to spend a week being tourists, and after that, Melissa and Tony were going to meet us in Sligo. We flew out to Dublin first. "I could never live in Dublin," Ash said quietly. "D'ye see how expensive everything is here? Wait till I show you the south of Dublin. It's like Ireland's version of Mayfair."

We only stayed there a couple of days. Ash got a hire car and he drove us to Wexford the next day. "I don't really like to use a car, but the trains here can be terrible, Catnip. It'd take so long, we wouldn't have time to see anything." I was glad he drove. There were green fields along the country roads as far as the eye could see. I enjoyed the drives almost as much as the towns. Ash had a great time showing me around Wexford. There were loads of castles and gardens to look at. We spent the evening on Cahore Beach, watching the sunset.

The next morning, Ash said we were going to Tipperary next. "It's a long way to go," he said, deadpan, as he started the car.

I looked at him. "You seriously planned a trip to Tipperary just to make that joke?"

"Yeah. What you gonna do about it?"

I stuck my tongue out at him.

There were more castles, abbeys and old buildings to look at in Tipperary.

"Do you notice the accents are different here, Catnip? None of that Dublin talk here."

We stayed for lunch. I noticed Ash had a list of places that sold fish and chips or falafels for lunch and dinner.

"This is the only thing I hate about travelling. It's always been a big problem for me, being a fussy eater and having the allergy," he said. "I don't even really like fish, but I can tolerate it when I'm starving. Thank God for fruit and bread." For a moment, my brain started whirring, trying to think of ways to fix the meal problem for him. Then I realised, he'd already figured it out.

After lunch, he drove us to Limerick. The morning after, we went to a cute little town in County Clare called Dúlainn. "The west coast, Catnip," Ash said looking energised. "Now you're in the best part of Ireland."

Ash had us stay for two days, so we could take the boat to the Aran Islands. He took so many photos that his phone started to run out of space. "Look at how pretty everything is here," Ash smiled. "If I wasn't a proud Sligo boy, I'd wish I was from Dúlainn."

As we stood on the beach at Ceann Gainimh, I breathed in the salty Atlantic air, and thought, he was right, it really was a beautiful part of the world. I really got it, I really understood now why he missed Ireland so much. I got a little ahead of myself and started to wonder what it would be like to live here. Honestly, if it wasn't for all the people I loved back in Cloud Magna, I thought, I'd move here in a heartbeat.

The next morning, we stopped for lunch at Galway, had a wander around, then Ash drove us to his family's farm in Cnocán Coille, just a little to the north of Collooney. "I'm fierce glad to be home," he sighed, as we approached the final stretch of road. "Don't be suprised if you don't understand what everyone's saying. Our family's always been bilingual, and they switch between Irish and English without thinking. We all speak English though, don't worry. And my brothers are real salt of the Earth culchie types. I've warned them not to overwhelm you, but just duck behind me if they get too much. But I'm sure they'll behave. Ah, here we are now. Look at them, they got the welcome committee out and all." An elderly lady, two men, plus a bunch of kids were waiting outside the farmhouse. "Ma! It's fierce good to see you, so it is."

Ash's mum, a hearty cheerful lady in her seventies, got him in a mama bear hug before he even got fully out of the car. "And here's your cailín. Isn't she a sweetie? What's your name again, lassie? Jasmine? That's a beautiful name, so it is. Look at you, Ashley, getting the local beauty. Aye, the good girls know a kind man when they see one. You two must be fierce famished, there isn't a pick on either of you, so there isn't. Let me get youse both a nice hot cup o' tea — Francis, you stay away from Miss Jasmine, I won't have any of your larks. Sure, you're too old for that nonsense. Come in, Miss Jasmine, just holler if these big louts give you grief. Mícheál! Get your feet off the sofa." She led us into the farmhouse.

The others had aready gone in while Ma was talking. The two boys were jumping about on the sofa in the front room. "Suas! Suas den tolg anois, a stócaigh! Imeigí!" She called out. "Now sit yourself down on the good sofa, Miss Jasmine. You too, Ashley, while I make yis a good hot pot of tea. I got your special milk, Ashley. Will you have the special milk too, Miss Jasmine, or do ye want the regular cow stuff? Right you are. Let's get your tea, then I'll have your dinner ready. Roast potatoes with vegetables, you'd like that, wouldn't you, little Ashley? And how about you, Miss Jasmine?"

"Oh — I'll — I'll have the same," I said faintly, trying to get comfortable on the plastic-covered sofa. It looked like not giving others a chance to get a word in edgeways ran in the family.

Ash's mum went into the kitchen. Two of Ash's brothers sat on the regular, non-plastic covered sofa, gawping at me. "Will you two stop staring like a pair o' thicks, have ye never seen a woman before?" Ash held my hand. "Are you all right, Catnip?" He asked gently. "They can be a bit much, can't they? This eejit here is my brother Francis. And this is the biggest brother, Niall. He doesn't talk much."

"Hello, there," Niall nodded at me stoically. I said hello back. Francis stared at me.

"The twins messing in the corner are Niall's grandkids," Ash continued. "And this little cutie coming over is my big sister Caitríona's first grandkid, Cara. Tar anseo, a leanbh! You remember Uncle Ashley? Come on and say hello to Auntie Jasmine!" A little girl around two years old toddled over to Ash and he picked her up. "Oh you want to ride the horsie, do ye? Come on, then, hold tight!" Ash bounced Cara on his good leg, while she squealed with delight. She was adorable! Ash was so good with her. I found myself wondering how he was with Melissa when she was little.

Ash's mum returned with the tea tray. "Francis, would ye stop staring like a thick eejit," she said. "Anyone would think you were simple. Ashley, your Lissa called earlier, she said they'll be here tomorrow by lunchtime."

My head was spinning. I had never been so overwhelmed in my life. Ma was great, she chatted away delightfully and I saw where Ash got his personality from. It was obvious she doted on her "little Ashley". Ash's niece Aislinn joined us for dinner and to pick up little Cara. She was a nurse at the clinic in Collooney. Ma made Irish stew for herself and the brothers. I gave it a try too. I noticed Aislinn had the potato and vegetables like Ash.

"I can never live down the shame of not liking Irish stew," she sighed.

"It's too mixed up and brown," Ash said, as Aislinn nodded.

"You can't beat a good Irish spud, though," Niall said. "Fresh from the land. As Irish as they come."

"Spuds are from South America, though, Uncle Niall," Aislinn said.

Ash's eyes lit up. "Yes, they're native to the Andes. The Inkan people developed a way to preserve spuds by drying them in the hot Andean sun, then using the cold temperatures at night to freeze them. The word potato comes from the Qhichwa word papa."

"Yes!" Chimed in Aislinn. "Also, the actual empire was called Tawantisuyu; Inka was just the royal family. The ordinary people called themselves runa. But you're still right, you know, Uncle Niall. You can't beat a good Irish spud fresh out the earth. Have you ever tasted purple potatoes, Auntie Jasmine? Their colour comes from anthocyanin. You can use it as a universal indicator."

She and Ash definitely shared a love of nerding out. If she had been younger than Melissa, I'd have thought she was Ash's secret love child, they were so alike. It seemed mealtimes were the only time Ma kept quiet.

All through the meal, the brothers kept staring at me. I suppose Francis had been given strict instructions to keep his mouth closed, because I would never have recognised him as the star of the Finn McCool incident.

"I'm sorry, Catnip," Ash said once the others had gone home after dinner. "It didn't even occur to me. But you know what country folk can be like. This might be the first time a brown woman has ever entered this house."

"Oh!"

"They're not racist or anything," Ash insisted. "They're just a bit insulated here, you know. They'll realise you're just a normal person soon."

"Oh, is that it? I thought they were just blown away by my resplendent beauty!" I laughed, tossing my hair.

Ash gave me a kiss. "Oh, well that, too," he grinned.

There was a bit of a fuss when it came to sleeping arrangements. There was a double bed in the guest room, but Ma couldn't countenance the idea of Ash and me sharing a bed.

"We're not going to get up to any shenanigans, Ma. We're just going to sleep," Ash insisted.

"Oh, I can't. What would the neighbours say?"

In the end, she allowed us to share Ash's old childhood bedroom with his and Francis's old twin beds. "Mind ye leave space for Jesus," she said. We pushed the beds together once she'd left.

Once Tony and Melissa arrived the next day, I could relax a bit. Tony had met the Miltons several times already.

"First time, huh?" He laughed. "You get used to them after a bit. The novelty of having a foreigner visiting gets them overexcited, but they'll calm down. Ma is absolutely great, isn't she? I love her to bits."

Ash's family was huge. Being the youngest, some of his older siblings were already grandparents. I'd already met Niall, the oldest brother, and Francis, the second youngest after Ash. Over the next two days I also met his sister Caitríona who was Aislinn's mother; his other brother Aidan; plus their spouses, kids and grandkids. He had one other older brother, Tiarnán, who had moved to Canada, who I didn't get to meet.

Ash had great fun taking me around the family farms, showing me where each of his siblings, nephews and nieces still in the area lived. He showed me the cottage where his friend Donal had the Atari 2600. He showed me the field where he and Francis got charged by a neighbour's bull. He showed me his old house and land, which he'd sold to Aislinn and her husband, and related another hundred different anecdotes.

"That reminds me. There was this one time Donal dared me to steal me ma's apron and tie it on the weather vane up on the roof."

Ash was like a different person now that he was back on his home turf. His accent got stronger, too. A couple of times, I wasn't even sure if he was speaking English still or had lapsed into Irish.

"Don't worry, Auntie Jasmine," Aislinn whispered to me. "I'll teach ye culchie." It was weird Aislinn calling me "auntie." She was almost my age.

I saw what Melissa meant, though. Ash was so much more alive here, so much more confident. It was like his colours had become more vibrant.

Finn McCool wasn't alive anymore, but Ash showed me the other farm animals. Ma Milton's land was mostly crops, but she also kept some chickens and goats. The family still kept a few horses between them.

"Look at this horse. His name is Morris. What kind of a name is that for a horse?"

The brothers stopped gawping at me once they realised I was just a regular human and not some strange being from another planet. I even started to see the true Francis — the star of the Finn McCool tale — after he got used to me.

One morning, we found Ash's jacket on one of Ma's goats. The next day, Niall's rooster Phoebus had been placed on our beds with a note saying, "Are you leaving room for Phoebus?" Ash asked me to help him get even, as I'd have diplomatic immunity.

"Oh no. I'm not brave enough for politics," I laughed. He roped in Tony instead. Tony drove Francis, me and Melissa up to a pub in Collooney for lunch. The landlord knew the Miltons and agreed to Ash's plan. Then Ash followed with Morris the horse and tried to have Morris stick his head through the window and go for Francis's drink. Melissa was ready with the camera. The horse just stood there gormlessly while everyone laughed.

"Ah, ye daft horsie," Ash said, tying Morris up and joining us. The landlord gave Morris some sugarlumps.

"Better luck next time, Ashley," Francis laughed, raising his glass.

Some of Ma's friends from Collooney came for tea. Ma asked me to come meet them. She wanted to show off her Ashley getting a London lady. And with each introduction, Ma would give me her friend's entire backstory. I was getting overwhelmed with all these people.

"Ma, you're half killing us," Ash said. "I'm taking Jasmine up to Sligo." Before Ma had a chance to protest, he hustled me to the brother's car and drove us to Sligo City.

He showed me the pub where Finn McCool stole Francis's colleen's drink. "It was that window, that exact one there. Can ye picture it? It looked a lot different back then, they've done it up since then, but it's the same windows. Can you imagine Finn McCool sticking his head in there?"

We stayed for lunch, since they had fish and chips. Ash forced himself to eat half his fish and gave me the rest, so I gave him some of my chips. Ash was excited to get a table in the corner where he'd sat with the glass of water all those years ago. He was so cute, I loved how excited he was to show me the places from his stories in person.

After lunch, he drove us out to Lough Talt. It was a sunny, breezy day. We held hands as we walked the trail along the lake. Then Ash led me a little up the mountains. We didn't speak much; I was too busy taking in the fresh air and the sounds of the wind and the all the green around me. Ash's hand felt warm and comforting as I held it. Ash smiled at me as we looked down on the lake. "Isn't it beautiful out here, Jasmine? I love it when it's windy like this. You look like a warrior princess with your hair blowing about like that."

I smiled at him. "You're lovely."

Ash blushed. "Look at all the ducks down there," he said.

I nodded, smiling. "Yep. Ducks."

Then he got quiet. He started fidgeting. Something was coming. I held his hand. When he got nervous like this, it made me feel so tender towards him. Not in my old codependent way, but just this feeling of how precious and special he was. I stroked his cheek, his stubble rough against my fingers, his face warm as his cheeks flushed.

"Jasmine..." He started, then faltered again. I put my arms around him and kissed him.

He blushed again and held me tighter. I could feel him fidgeting with the hem of my dungarees. I looked at him. My heart felt full, overflowing with love for this man who meant so much to me. The man who fought so hard and so patiently to call me out of the darkness. The man who was there to hold me when I was sad. The man who had invited me into his world. The man who knew how to break down the wall.

The man who showed me what love really is.

"What is it, my love?" I whispered.

Ash blushed again. "This time last year, I — I asked you something. But I lost my memory before you could give me an answer." He looked at me in anticipation.

I gasped.

"I'm sorry, Jasmine," Ash said sadly.

"Crumbs." I felt light headed for a moment while I took in his words, but I composed myself quickly. "I thought you were an old-fashioned man," I said gently, smiling. I held his hands. "Shouldn't you get down on one knee?"

Ash looked at me, paused for a moment, then knelt down. He had a ring this time. A sky blue topaz solitaire. I gazed at him, this darling man, the love of my life, as he looked up at me, a loving smile on his face. "Jasmine Juliette Elemita. I love you, my sweet Catnip, and one thing I know for sure is that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Will you do me the great honour of marrying me?"